Cochrane families share their journey to adoption

While many enter parenthood the traditional way, the journey for others is an obstacle course lined with barricades like infertility, pregnancy complications, or the absence of a desired co-parent.

Adoption has long been promoted as the preferred method for individuals or couples who desire to become parents, though families interviewed by the Eagle say emotional strength and preparedness are vital components to succeed.

Cochranites Trisha and Brent McPherson said their journey to parenthood was not for the faint of heart - but well worth the wait.

“He's the best thing that ever happened to us, ” Trisha said of the couple's two-and-a-half-year old son Keegan, reminiscing about their struggles with fertility and miscarriages. “We were open to adoption right from the get-go. ”

Following an eight-month application process, it took another two and a half years until the McPhersons held their Edmonton-born infant son in their arms.

While there appears to be many successful, happy endings with private adoptions the wait list continues as fewer infants are put up for adoption.

“The last two years it's really declined, ” said Liz Gifford, program director for Alberta's largest private adoption clinic, Adoption Options, said of the list of available children.

Gifford said when it comes to domestic adoption - the most affordable and popular route - the waiting period is between three and four years, “sometimes longer. ”

Successful placements have fallen to as few as 40 per year in recent years from approximately 60 over the last decade. The agency's waitlist now stands at 160 families.

It is difficult to pinpoint any singular reason for the decline, but is likely a combination of increased use of birth control, keeping babies in their communities or extended family units and increased societal acceptance, affordability and access to alternative measures - including abortion.

All private adoptions are open, although it is ultimately up to the adoptive parents to set those boundaries and determine the level of communication following placement.

According to Gifford, the nature of private adoption builds a bond between all parties.

Adoption Options has been practicing open adoption since 1985 and insists this method is “very healthy for everyone involved. ”

Unlike public (government) adoptions, most private adoptions are with infants and much of the time the maternal history (including substance abuse) is better known because of a closer relationship with the birth mother.

Through private adoption, the birth mother has 10 days following placement of her infant with the adoptive family to have what is called a “change of heart. ” Trisha remembers the weight lifted off her and her husband's chests at midnight on Day 10 - especially considering Keegan's birth mother had a change of heart on day five, although it turned out to be a false alarm.

“All she needed was reassurance that he was OK and that we were prepared to have relationship with her, ” explained Trisha, reflecting on how stressful it felt at the time, but how she empathized with her son's birth mother.

She and Brent make a conscientious effort to stay in touch with Keegan's birth mother, sending her photos and keeping the lines of communication open.

“Once you have that child, you crave that relationship for (him), ” said Trisha, adding the couple are now back on the list and hopeful they will soon be parents of two children.

Brent cautions those looking to adopt to make sure the marriage bond is strong.

“There's one key element: emotional endurance - because you're going to have your ups and downs, ” said Brent. “You need each other but the individual stresses affect you differently. ”

Michelle and her husband are also Cochrane area residents who chose to adopt; for privacy reasons, she requested her adopted son's name and her family's last name not be printed.

Her family's decision to adopt was not unlike the McPhersons - where multiple losses led her and her husband to what turned out to be the most successful route to parenthood for them: private adoption.

Michelle, referring to her now six-year-old son as “the love of her life, ” also adopted through Adoption Options. The process took around two and a half years.

While she admits to being initially cautious and apprehensive over the nature of an open adoption, her fears were soon dispelled after meeting with her child's birth mother shortly after his second birthday.

“As we've grown together we have grown to have this amazing trust, ” said Michelle with respect to her family's relationship with their child's birth mother.

“This is his story - his birth story, his life story. ”

Michelle and her family meet with the birth mother around once a year and also maintain an open dialogue with her, including sending photos.

Both Michelle and the McPhersons provided positive feedback on the support provided by the staff at Adoption Options.

Public (government) adoption

For others, an infant isn't in the cards when it comes to parenthood.

Another Cochrane resident, Sarah, knew she wanted to be a parent, but did not wish to adopt an infant. She also requested her last name not be published.

“Adoption was my first choice, ” said Sarah, who is working through the finalization of the adoption of her nine-year-old, adding the choice isn't always determined by infertility.

She knew she wanted to adopt an older child and said she was prepared for any challenges that could arise from the adoption of an older child through the public system. Among those challenges are medical or emotional issues stemming from an incomplete or unknown maternal or medical history of the child's birth family.

The Eagle, at the request of Sarah, is not publishing the child's name or gender, as the adoption has not yet been finalized (the entire process takes upwards of a year from placement).

While Sarah said there have been “ups and downs behaviourally, ” she and her child have quickly developed a bond built on trust and love.

“(My child) still asks me all the time, ‘Do you love me?' and, ‘Are you going to give me back?' ” explained Sarah, adding that although heartbreaking, she is confident time will answer that question.

“It took four months for (my child) to say ‘I love you' back to me, ” said Sarah, adding that it was an amazing feeling and reassuring to know that in spite of what her child had to endure, building a foundation of love in a few months was still possible.

According to Zoe Cooper, assistant director of communications for Alberta Human Services, acceptance of a confirmed maternal history of drug or alcohol use in pregnancy is a requirement of a government adoption. This includes the acceptance of a possible future diagnosis of FASD (fetal alcohol spectrum disorder) or effects of prenatal exposure, which may not appear until the child is in adolescence.

Cooper said that while infancy adoption numbers through private agencies continues, the number of children in government care since 2008/2009 has only “decreased slightly ” but that “the number of private guardianships has increased. ”

Private guardianship is defined as “an alternative to adoption as a permanency option for children ” and is an application made to the court for an order with respect to a child in the permanent care of the ministry.

Cooper said as of June 2016, there were 5,023 children in permanent government care, but not all of these children are assessed as eligible for adoption or private guardianship.

There are around 130 children referred for adoption matching at any given time, though matches are not always found as some of the children have significant special needs.

Unlike private adoption there is no cost to the applicants seeking public adoption, aside from minimal application fees and background checks. The government also provides financial support for such costs as maintaining a child's cultural connections, respite and counselling.

This route to parenthood may be suitable for families open to older children, as most children adopted this way have been in foster/government care and are older.

“Kids can be on these wait lists for years - some kids are higher needs and are aging out of the system, ” explained Sarah, adding that many of these children grow up in group homes or bounce around in foster care and wind up with severe life problems as a result of not having a family of their own.

According to Cooper, even with government adoptions, openness is becoming the preferred method.

“The trend in government adoptions has been a definite practice shift to openness, ” explained Cooper. “Where it is determined to be in the child's best interests, and safety factors are not a feature, ongoing contact is a defined expectation post-adoption in many cases. ”

Sarah is also involved with a network for Alberta families going through public adoption - FACES Society for Alberta.

The non-profit society “works to connect adoptive parents to one another and to community partners. ” While the volunteer-run society is open to assisting all potential and current adoptive parents, their focus is on providing networking and supports for those adopting through the public system.

Visit facesforalberta.com to learn more.

Other private adoption agencies in Alberta include Adoption By Choice, Christian Adoption Services and LDS Family Services (the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints).

November is Adoption Awareness Month.